i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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