I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
