someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
