Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
