just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
