Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
