Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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