So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I know her cup size but not her name....
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
