There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
