I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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