Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
