o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
