I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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