I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
