remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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