I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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