So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
