What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
