im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i already hear my dad disowning me
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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