cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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