Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
