Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
