Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
