Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
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