And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Randomize
