Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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