If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
