I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
