I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
