I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
