Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
