Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
