I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
