how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
