she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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