I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
