I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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