Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
