I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
