I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
