Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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