There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
operation harelip BJ is a go
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
