Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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