i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
and you fell through a lawn chair
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
