at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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