Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
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