I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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