hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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