why didn't you poke me back
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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