Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
