The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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