You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
