Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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