I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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