My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
