So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
you win again, gameday.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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