Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
